For as long as I can remember a fear of being judged by other people has held me back. I never spoke out at school, always tried to fit in with the norm and stopped myself accepting many opportunities that have come my way purely because I was so anxious about what other people might think of me that it was just easier to say no.
For the most part I’m much better with this these days. I’ve learnt to trust in my ability, and my opinion and don’t hold back anywhere near as much as I used to. I’ve gone from isolating myself and not socialising to pushing myself to interact and go to things…it’s not perfect, but a far cry from how it used to be.
There is however, one huge area where this fear of judgement holds me back, and that is my weight. I’ve had an eating disorder for 16 years and whilst weight loss was more of a side-effect of the over-riding control issues I’ve always struggled massively with getting back to a healthy weight.
For ages now I’ve had my head buried firmly in the sand about being done with weight gain. The fact is I still have a few kilos left to restore to be at optimum health and my main barrier to gaining them? As shallow as it sounds, it’s what other people might think of me.
Tee: Monki | Skirt and Shoes: ASOS
It’s only now that I’m really, really ready to let go of the final shackles this illness holds over me that I realise how much this has been holding me back. Forever fearful that if I gain those last few kilos I’ll be seen as greedy, as having “let myself go” and that people will wonder why on earth I’ve made a conscious decision to gain weight when I’m no longer in a position where it’s medically critical.
I’ve done a lot of thinking on the matter and I’ve realised how futile it is to restrict my life based on my perception of what other people may think.
If someone were to judge for for getting to the healthiest place I can be, ready to live the rest of my life then which one of us has the real problem here?
In the last year my life has expanded infinitely more than my waist line. I’ve found true love, I’ve thrived at work, I’ve had more freedom than I’ve ever known and it’s all still growing. With driving, moving in with my boyfriend, and hopefully in a couple of years starting a family all on the cards – not to mention the more minor things like finally being able to exercise again, to order cake when I’m out for coffee with friends without caring about the calories not being allotted to my day…all things I haven’t done for so many years it’s frustrating to know, and to finally realise and accept that I’m the one who has been holding me back all along.
And in recent weeks I am slowly learning to let go, and writing this blog post pays a big part in this. This public declaration that I’m not done with gaining weight, that yes, I will still share outfit photos and over the coming weeks and months you will witness me return to full health and full strength- this is a massive mile stone in my recovery. Even as I type this post I feel myself wanting to delete it, for fear of what my readers and my friends might think.
It’s not an easy process and not an hour goes by at the moment where I don’t question if this is right, if I can do this, if I even want this (of course I do). Fear of weight gain goes hand in hand with this and the thought of seeing the scales creep up and my clothes getting snugger fills me with a fear that I can’t even begin to explain. But finally, the fear of not living the life I want- never getting married, never having children, compromising my relationship over-rides that fear by a mile.
No more lies, no more excuses. This is a commitment to myself and to my future with Bob, my love for my family and finally not having that constant feeling of what someone else might be thinking about me- or at not letting that thought jeopardise what I do.
This is my two fingers up to fear of being judged. Finally I have a life I love, albeit still restricted by restriction and the only way to see it grow and flourish further is to grow and to flourish myself.
