Whichever way you look at it, January is a pretty shit month. The festive anticipation of Christmas is long past, we’re all skint, all bloated and the days are long, grey and pretty miserable. I’ve never really noticed myself suffering from “January Blues” though, not until this year and even then I wasn’t acutely aware of it until I broke down in tears in the middle of taking these photos; which primarily were to show off my awesome new Dr Martens that Bob bought me for Christmas.
Jumper: Pull&Bear (similar) | Jeans: Joy | Boots: Dr Martens (still in stock in a couple of sizes at Footasylum)
So what triggered this melt down? Well, turns out being in recovery from anorexia, being so close to your goal but still a few kilos away, struggling massively with body image but naively in a bubble of “I’m fixed now” is really fucking tough when every one around you is talking about how much weight they want to lose, what diet they are on and which foods they are avoiding like the plague.
I’m not usually one to be affected by this kind of chat, so I was genuinely taken aback by just how rubbish it was making me feel. My body image has been precarious for a while. My perception of the need to gain further weight is skewed out of all recognition. I’ve been dragging my feet, lulled in to a false sense of security and honestly thought I was invisible to everything.
Turns out I’m not. I’m human, and being human is hard sometimes.
Add in to the mix the general dip in mood that most of the country is probably feeling right now and it’s really no wonder I had a rare shedding of tears. I’m not a crier by nature. I hate showing vulnerability or that I can’t cope with a situation, but that Saturday morning I sat on the living room floor and poured my heart out to a somewhat baffled looking Bob.
Bob, my rock and voice of reason. Between him and I we started to pick up the pieces (with a little help from my Mum) and slowly but surely we are getting back to some form of reality. I’m trying to treat this as a wake up call, that I’m not as fixed as I perhaps thought I was. That I have been dragging my feet. That I do need to keep up this journey. That I should stop obsessing over what other people might be thinking about me, my weight and my business and grit my teeth, pile up my plate and keep trucking towards the weight, and health that is right for me…I’m on my own kind of January diet and mission to get healthy and I can’t let fear of judgement put me off.
It’s all still very up and down, one minute I am feeling brave and strong and empowered, the next I’m in tears again or snapping at those around me because my head is just spinning with thoughts and I can’t stop it. I’m one of life’s over thinkers and planners and we’ve a few things on the horizon that are out of my control and my head is struggling to cope.
It’s taken me ten days to even get around to thinking about writing this post. Encouraged by Bob not to sugar coat and just talk about my shoes (which are amazing, right? Boy has good taste!) I’ve shared a lot of my personal life in the past, but these days not to much. Again, fear and overthinking stops my honesty and that isn’t right. If people don’t want to see this side of life then they don’t have to read my blog, but actually, the process of writing this post has been therapeutic for me and that in itself makes it worthwhile.
I’m not entirely sure how to round this up. I have no profound statement, nor have I reached any stunning conclusion. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring in terms of motivation or ability, all I know is that I have come this far, my life has changed beyond all recognition, and it’s ok to find that hard sometimes, to struggle to adjust and comprehend both what lies behind me, and all that is still ahead.
Even as I write this I’m considering whether to press publish or not. I think I will because this is me right now, and this blog can serve as a reminder of how it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Tear stained photos that I kind of hate, messy hair, scruffy outfit. That’s how my January looks right now.
Maybe there will be most posts like this in 2019, maybe there won’t. For now I’m ending with a link to this article which may help or resonate anyone else recovering from an eating disorder whilst surrounded by January’s diet culture.
I think I’ll end with an apology for this big massive non-sensical brain dump. I have big plans for the blog this year, to be commenced once I pull myself out of this pit.
