I wasn’t going to post anything for mental health awareness week this year, not because I don’t have anything to say on the matter; nor do I think it’s unimportant to share stories and help break stigma- I just wasn’t sure where to begin.

My battle with my mental health goes as far back as I can remember. Elements of anxiety at a very young age, clinical depression, not to mention the 16 year battle with an eating disorder.
I think perhaps my hesitation in posting this year is because I have been so open on my blog in the past, and to an extent now it feels like my mental health takes up a very small proportion of my life; and that, in turn is what inspired this post. A chance to reflect on just how much things have changed, and how I’m looking forward (in every sense of the phrase) in ways that I never have before.

You may (or may not) have noticed a definite lack of outfit posts over the last six months or so. In part that’s because I’m just too busy to do them, but I’ve always managed to make time before, so what’s different now?

Body image is by far the biggest problem I am facing at the moment. I’m at that awkward “almost” stage in eating disorder recovery- I’ve got out of a critical stage with my weight, I’m functioning fine and feeling better than ever, but there’s still a way to go. Apparently I need another 3-4kg of “health” to be in tip-top condition and that’s proving to be a bitter pill to swallow. I haven’t been this close to a healthy weight in 4 years, my body is an alien to me, one I do not recognise and have no learnt to love yet. Knowing I still need to add to it is hard. My biggest fear is of being judged by others- family, friends, colleagues, blog readers…I can see them all sat there thinking “but why would she try and put on more weight? She already looks so…well (I’m trying so hard not to use the word large here but it is the first that springs to mind).
Finding the guts to have these taken and then post them was no mean feat, but well, hopefully my fears are unfounded and it’s only me who finds them in part, repelling.

How am I getting over this massive hurdle? By reminding myself of my bigger goals- to pass my driving test, to find somewhere to live with Bob, to one day have children (I am 31 and time won’t be on my side forever) and generally just to have fun and adventures.
Already the differences are notable. There’s a stark contrast between what Bob and I are able to do this year vs. how it was last summer. Constant reminders that the battle is worth it and if I can just stick it out, get those kilos on and learn to love my body for what it is and what it can do life really good be amazing.

As for the rest of my mental health? Well, it’s great! I’ve been out of therapy for over six months now. I’m no longer governed by the anxiety and rituals I never really knew had a hold on me. I’m still on medication- and I feel no shame in admitting that. It might not be for everyone, but medication saved me and whilst one day I would love to wean off of it, right now I know I still need it.

There are still niggles in the back of my mind. The self-doubt that kicks in and provides a quiet but constant voice telling me I’m not good enough; a failure; that no-one really likes me and that I don’t deserve good things. I’m better at ignoring it these days and not letting it hold me back, especially in the work place, where thanks to the support of an amazing employer and a great bunch of colleagues I am flourishing.

I feel that much better now that I am once again looking at resuming driving lessons with a view to taking my test this summer- this is by far my biggest fear as previous tests have been a disaster due to overwhelming anxiety but I definitely feel I have a bigger “tool-kit” of coping mechanisms to get me through.

So there we are, I’ve laid myself bare and I’ve done so as a reminder on many levels- it’s ok to talk and share experiences, it’s ok to ask for help or admit you’re struggling, it’s ok to have hope and it’s proof that no matter how long the struggle there is always that light at the end of the tunnel.

If you’ve done any mental health awareness posts I’d love to see them- leave links in the comments.